Parent Books

I have read numerous parenting books written by psychologists and PhDs that claim to have all the answers. None of those books impressed me or made me a better parent. White Oleander, which is not a parenting book at all, but just great fiction, affected me so deeply and had a tremendous effect on my life. It helped me to put myself into my daughter’s shoes and understand how important it is for them to get their parent’s attention, support and most significant their mother’s love.

The book, White Oleander, is a story regarding a girl named Astrid whose mother is imprisoned for murder. Astrid goes through a serious of foster homes and five foster mothers. Each of her “mothers” has a different personality and attitude to life, and it is amazing and completely convincing how Astrid changes with every mother - her behavior, her beliefs, her clothes, her ambitions, her self- confidence and self-worth. In one house she becomes a devout catholic, in another she smokes pot and contemplates suicide. In a matter of weeks, with a new very loving “mother”, Astrid become a good student, takes professional art classes, goes to museums and plans on going to college. Her view of herself goes through gradual but dramatic transformations depending on how her “mother” sees her.

Her mother was constantly connected to her. They used to send letters to each other, and this way Astrid wanted to get her mother’s support. When she fails to get the approval she craves so much, she does not want it anymore; she just wants to get a shock, a reaction. Even though Astrid’s mother claims she loves her daughter, Astrid is not convinced and she is searching for that proof until she is an adult.

Just like some people are too selfish to be married, unfortunately some mothers are just too selfish to have kids. They put their own interests above their children’s. Some people, and a lot of them are mothers, enjoy having another person under their control that they can dominate and manipulate emotionally. That was the case of Astrid’s real mother. It is interesting to see how Astrid struggles to accept the fact that even though she loves her mother, she does not like her, and does not agree with the choices her mother made in her life. It takes a lot of soul-searching and maturity for her to realize that she is not her mother, and she does not have to repeat her mother’s mistakes.

This book is a must read for all mothers and daughters, for all the parents and all the children, who are now parents themselves. It helped me to understand about my connection with my mother and all my experiences of emotions and feeling. It also made me almost painfully aware of how dependent my young daughters are on my behavior, my words and reactions, and how badly all of us, both adults and children, crave our mother’s love.

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